i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
