I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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