i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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