Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
