I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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