I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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