I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
