Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
