she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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