Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
