I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
