dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Boobs speak an international language.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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