OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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