May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
