who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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