then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
