I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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