So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
