i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i permit you to call me
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
