Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
