I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
