Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again