someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
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totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.