Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.