So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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