Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
