Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
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I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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