My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
