I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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