Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I looked at my own cervix.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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