Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
