Please don't use social media to get back at me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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