Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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