i need an iv and a liver transplant
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
