I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
God, I missed his penis.
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