My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
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