she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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