If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
