Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
