1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
