I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
