If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
