my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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