Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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