Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
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