i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
