walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
