So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
