He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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