you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
not ubering you a puppy
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
