im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
