I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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