her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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