Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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